“You Can’t untie a knot without knowing how it’s done.”
I Didn’t remember finding myself so bad since the hangover that followed the day of his march. I Didn’t want to think about that drunkenness, only the memory made me worse than it already was. I joined in and the headache protested with violence. I Was alone, I assumed you would have gotten up early. I Tried to locate; It wasn’t ten yet, my biological clock was running a little bit outdated. I Looked back and immediately knew that Carmen had not slept with me. I went Downstairs barefoot, my first destination was the kitchen although the smell advanced me that had not passed there. The Silence prepared the ground for me; No one in the room except a glass with the watered remains of my whisky, a full ashtray, the smell of tobacco… And the damn silver case. Sometime in the evening he had to enter the bedroom to look for him, perhaps guided by the dim light of the mobile trying not to hinder my sleep.
Where was I? I dismissed the idea that I had run out; Then the ajar door of my brother’s room drew my attention, I peekeded and in the gloom I saw her lying face down, barely covered by a beak of the quilt; He had dropped without getting his clothes off, he may have only been sleeping for three or four hours. Entorné the door and let her rest.
I picked up the debris from the night when I discovered his notebook at the low table. We Have A tacit agreement which we scrupulously respect; I finished putting the cushions, opened the windows to ventilate and went to shower, then I prepared a coffee, I grabbed some biscuits and a painkiller and returned to the living room.
I Took a seat and opened Carmen’s notebook.
And I put it back where it was; He couldn’t do it, he wasn’t going to violate his intimacy. I Went Out with the cup in my hand and ended up on the porch. It was starting to rain.
If I could go back… How Many times Have I heard this phrase in clinic, I know what it means: repentance, desolation before the picture presented to the patient when he is aware of the consequences of his actions. “If I could go back” it becomes a mantra that prevents it from advancing and from which I take charge to free you from what could be the beginning of chronic guilt.
Now I am the one who is in the anteroom of that immobilizer process. I can Not fall into the trap, I have to stop the mechanism that leads me to reboot in loop the film of the facts that orchestrated yesterday. Remorse, guilt, pain, grief, are nothing but chains that will prevent me from helping Carmen and preventing the damage from being greater.
It’s not a whore, there is no return of blade. The starting point was again the one we had earlier than it was unleashed after convincing it that we needed… What he kept at home. She’s Not a whore, no; First he had to eliminate that idea that he had inoculated. And What worried me most is that it lacked the criterion for calculating the multiplier factor that interaction with drugs could have. There Was A lot of work to do.
I Gave one last sip to the cold coffee and went in. The House remained silent, on the table The notebook kept calling me. I approached the window; The rain left thick drops in the glass that were forming capricious streams with which I amused myself to divert my attention.
— Good morning.
I turned around and saw her at the entrance of the hall with her arms folded under her chest; The clarity of the morning forced him to wink his eyes, the hair stirred gave him a scruffy look and still was beautiful.
-Good Morning How did you stay down here? I Crossed the room and when I came to his side I stopped, something prevented me from taking the last step, perhaps I smarted that I had not gone to sleep or would be that what happened the day before was between us, the case is that I just put my hands on his shoulders and kissed her On the cheek. She let herself be done.
I did not want To wake You.
He undone with subtlety from my hint of embrace; I offered him a cup of coffee and as I prepared it I heard him climb the ladder. I sat down to wait for her in the kitchen; The day had dawned Ungentle, the rain shook the crystals and the treetops suffered the punishment of the wind.
“Shall We go to the living room?” It’s cold in here — he proposed anything else to come down. had been sheltered with a thick jersey; I placed the cups on a tray and took them to the high table, she was waiting for me in front of the window.
“Time Seems to be with us.”
“What do you say?”
-Nothing, a nonsense. He answered shaking his head, sat in front of me and began to sweeten the coffee without raising the view of the Cup.
— Do You Want To eat something? He looked at Me, had a bad face, at last rejected with a gesture.
-I Don’t feel like it, my head hurts I’m out of temper. He answered something hoarse and plunged again into the contemplation of the cup.
I Came Back with a painkiller, it was time to start, I didn’t want to miss another minute.
I Want to tell you I’m sorry about what happened yesterday. I was wrong; I shouldn’t have asked you to bring the Coke, I had no idea what it was going to provoke. What happened next, what I said, what I did and above all, what I made you do… You don’t know how sorry I am. It Was a real madness, nor do I think of you or think it was the right way to face…
— But it worked. He said with such poise that the air could be cut.
“No, Not at all; You’re not a whore. Oh, God! That was…
— It worked. As soon as you got the first stripes, you started talking openly, which I hadn’t gotten all week. It’S true that what you said wasn’t very nice, but it wasn’t what I’ve been saying all these days, right? But to that we came, to expose the truth to the face; I did it from the beginning, you need the coke to open up; In that sense I have nothing to reproach you for. He Spoke slowly, with a severe, measured tone and that gave more weight to his words.
-No, I don’t feel the things I told you, it’s been…
— We Are The two poles of the same problem, you by default and I by excess We were not able to reach the essence of the truth. You, locked up in your silence, resisted getting out of the den, and I was talking and talking, concealing the jewel of the crown from the waste of palaver. How did you not notice?, with the times that you have had patients who turn into verbalize multitude of scenes rugged to hide the major, which refuse to disclose.
“What do you want to tell me?”
— Don’t you know? It is No coincidence that you kept quiet as it has not been trivial for me to confess so much and so crudely. It Was necessary that therapy for both of us to we remove all the bonds, so that you empezases to talk without shame and say that you consider me a whore for a long, very long time. And it has been necessary for me to break the shell and accept without complexes that I have changed, that everything I have done and made me has transformed me. You’Re Right I’m a whore; It doesn’t hurt anymore, it’s just a fact.
-No Carmen, no, no!, I was wrong, I should not, it was just an absurd attempt to… …
“Come On Mario, are you also returning the money?” Be consistent with your actions; What you said is there, like what I said, and I don’t think you’ve heard me recant.
What had happened to him during the morning? It Is as if all that he had forced him to endure would have hardened in the waking hours.
“As you wish, you may be right and what happened yesterday has served to solve some things, such as my mutism, and above all the dependence you had of Mahmud.
— That’s for granted.
But nothing more Carmen, that therapy has no more travel.
— As you wish. — He gave me and refocused on the cup of coffee.
— It’S time to turn off the tool I used to override that dependency.
— The… Tool. — He stressed with a certain sorna.
“You are Not a whore Carmen, you are not and I want to start right now to withdraw that concept.”
“There is No time for that,” he reacted firmly, “we still have some topic to try and we are not going to leave here without asking.”
— But it’s important.
-I know, I know we’ll do it later, we have other priorities.
-I insist, it will be a short therapy, we can divide it into several…
“And I say no!” In Addition, it would be premature; You said yourself that you have to let the effect of therapy be rested, right?
My own arguments turned against me; I was amazed at the vehemence with which he refused to undergo the desensitization of a concept that reinforced his false personality as a whore. I Wasn’t going to give up so soon.
-It Is very simple Carmen, you know how it goes, you just have to verbalize this phrase: “I’m Not a whore”, let the feelings reveal and work them; I’m only asking for half an hour please, twenty minutes.
It Must have been the vivid image of anguish because after a brief pause during which he did not stop observing me, he ended up giving in.
— Yes, it’s been a pretty aggressive therapy. “He said as if the game followed me.” All right, let’S do it. I agree to, as I would say… Detox me from that concept. And you? Do you know that you also have to wipe yourself out of that idea? “No, you do not know,” he added, seeing my perplexity; I’ll let you think about it a little bit. He Got up and walked to the window that remained open; The wind had arreciadoed and whipped his mane, then withdrew making slightly alkaline in his arms, closed the window and remained there, contemplated the course of the storm.
I regretted not having read your notes, so I would have known what I was dealing with. Carmen’s attitude was pure fiction, she was open to undertaking a desensitization but she was very hesitant that she was really willing to do so. I took Advantage of that unexpected pause to find the best way to focus the exercise.
“Come, fifteen minutes.”
I hadn’t felt it coming, there was no choice; We sat on the chairs without the obstacle of the table.
“Close your eyes, take a deep breath, well, well; Now repeat with me perceiving what you experience: I’m Not a whore.
-I’m Not a whore. He repeated without showing any emotion.
I watched Her while we were exercising; He remained serene, with his eyes closed, inspired by the nose and exhaled by the mouth following a leisurely pace; He answered my questions every time I asked him; Calm, quiet, he answered; It did not seem to affect him, I would say he remained skeptical; I am Not a, he repeated when he asked; I was under the impression that he was not involved, that he didn’t really believe in what we were doing but I decided to continue, he would overcome his resistance. You are Not a, I proposed and she chanted, I am not a in a serene voice, calm, paused breathing, closed eyes; So until…
— You’Re a cuckold.
I looked at her and I felt mugged by her penetrating black eyes. My body reacted according to the primary instinct of defense, a cascade of hormones flooded my bloodstream, the heart shot up, the tension threatened to seize my neck, the back formed a solid mass.
Humiliation, pain, loss, anguish. “Why, Why?” I heard in my head.
-It still provokes rejection.
“No, what do you say!”
— Of Course, when you’re not ready, when you get it by surprise as it now provokes you. I’ve seen It in your pupils and in a little twitch in the face, also in the hands.
“I feel like a lab mouse,” I joked, trying not to invading the discomfort that I had.
— You’Re A cuckold, and a spoiler.
I Didn’t answer, I was baffled.
“It turns You on seeing me fucking other guys, motherfucker.”
“Why are you doing this?”
It Kept a neutral tone but not quite; He was roaming the frontier of innuendo without being too sensual.
“Now You’re ready, there’s been no more twitching.” You Can fit the punch, even if You’re still defensive.
I was analyzing, how skillful.
“So you think I was faking when I said I assumed my cuckold condition?”
-It Doesn’t matter. Tell Me What you felt when I caught you off guard; I’ll tell you: Pain and anger, you’ve also had a feeling of loss. Am I wrong?
I couldn’t keep looking at her.
— You Feel like you’ve lost your wife and the woman you found on Monday is someone else.
— you Expected to meet your wife and the only thing I’ve achieved after a week of confessions has been to get away from her and introduce you to the person I am now. That’s Why… So — he insisted on my attempt to refute it — when the coke uninhibited you could finally say what you’ve been quiet all week.
“It’s Not true, you’re wrong.”
— This whore therapy or as we want to call it, has affected us both; To me because you have helped me to accept the profound change I have experienced and to you because you have finally recognized what you refused to admit.
“What The fuck are you talking about?”
Think You had to launch this therapy to digest everything you’ve heard of my mouth these days, so you’ve used me as a whore and… No, — Rectified — “as if it were” no, you used me as what I am and you paid me to assimilate the transformation you had before your eyes and you could not accept.
— You Don’t know what you’re saying.
— Face, has been a therapy for both; For you because you’ve finally been able to admit that the woman you married no longer exists; Somehow all that process you started in Cordoba shows you a woman you like to play with; Shameless, without taboos, with which you can release your morbid desires but every time you put it in motion makes me lose a little of my essence; You may not be aware at first, but after a while, face, you began to look at me in another way; She was no longer the ideal wife; I imagine that if you could have had a mechanism by which you had me cloned everything would have been perfect; What do you think, a spotless Carmen for our daily life and another vicious to take your instincts to walk when you want without contaminating your wife.
“Have you gone mad?”
“That’s Why you like Graciela so much, she represents what I was and I’m not.”
“No, that is not so; You’re trying to take me to a lot in the I’m not going in..
-Excuse Me? It was you who suddenly gave a radical turn to the process we had in place, it was you who started the therapy of whore and changed everything, I guess the coke gave you the presence of mind you needed to stop silent.
— You’re Not a whore, I’ve never considered you…
“Let’s not make a drama out of this, do you see me offended?” “He added, seeing my stupor,” This week is the time when we build our future, let us not do it in false.
— Okay, yes; You may be right, it is possible that everything I have heard during these days has surpassed me.
“Then speak to me, do not hide behind the drug as you did yesterday.” Say what you feel now that you are yourself; Be honest and talk to me.
I couldn’t, I wanted to cry, I wanted to hit, break anything. I came to mind a flash of the Temple of I Owe with the image of the Stone bank in which I crashed my hand. I woke up and when I did knocked the chair; I didn’t mean to lift it, no matter what.
-How to cope that my wife has slept with… So many people, how to accept that they have opened the ass to each other, who takes drugs; How to admit that you have become a lesbian, that… He adores the cock of a Senegalese; How many dicks have you eaten besides that? God, I’m out of my ass!
“Do I consider You a whore?” I don’t know what to tell you, Carmen, you act like you are. You tell me that you want to return with Doménico, that you consider your puttana, is that to be a whore?, you tell me; You tell me you love Irene and I don’t know if that means you consider yourself a bisexual or you’re going to go that far. Speaking of going further, your relationship with Claudia and her husband lowers you to the level of sexual servant?, I don’t know, I don’t handle those terms well, is it proper for a whore to sleep with a woman and let her do anything to you, like walking around pulling a chain hooked from the nipples s or use a birthday gift from a friend and your services will pay you with drugs? Is It Normal that confraternices with the man who raped you, go home and sleep with him? I will Not answer that, I prefer not to continue descending on that slope and raise another question: You’Re in love with Carlos and I have a doubt that love implies a more stable relationship than you intend to have with Irene or Domi? And If so, how will it affect us? Will you split our time with him? Love is something serious Carmen, is not a whim, will you tell your love everything you’ve been doing with your body and your life?
Breath, I had released all the garbage I had gripped, I needed it. She was hurt, I saw it in her face, I didn’t expect to face so many questions and in such a stark way. I Decided to continue before I went to take the floor.
— I Have a dilemma about Tomás: When you met him on that route in search of marijuana you had the option of spending the night in our house, you could also have come to Gloria however you accepted the offer of a stranger and you stayed in his riding-stable; I don’t know how you see it but if you ask me if that’s the behavior of a whore I have to confess that it’s hard not to answer affirmatively. Still today I do not understand what kind of relationship you maintain, sometimes you introduce me as an intimate friend, others as your lover. And then there’s the age difference, Carmen! It could be your…
“Come on, let’s talk about Tomas because you insist on the age — he interrupted me.”
I had made a vague picture; The smoker cough man he was in bed with while talked at the crucial moments that decided our reconciliation. He had described it to Me as a mature, paternal man who ripped off intense orgasms using only his hands and mouth before he could consummate briefly with his scant virility. She rewarded him with what he knows best and gave him back that lost manhood: fellatio as he had never done, deep, intense. I Lifted the chair and sat down.
— Your landlord — I Don’t know why I said that; He accused the coup and smiled with some condescension.
-My landlord? Come On Mario, don’t walk around, my lover; But first of all my friend and confidant, I see you didn’t understand anything I told you about him. “I Know I disappoint you every time I loose one of these stupid things, I see it in your eyes.” Deeply inspired. We said good-bye, I would have wanted to thank you for everything you did for me. If it hadn’t been for Tomas that night I would have had to find a hotel. No, by then our house was not an option. He gave Me company, he behaved like a friend with whom to speak, to be honest and if, of course, we had sex, a delicate, tender, cozy sex. The apartment is a stable, you are right however soon I stopped feeling it like that. But that night I made a decision in which the reasons that move a whore had nothing to do with it.
I regretted everything I had said; He had just told him that he did not consider her a whore and soon after he lost his nerves. Why was it so difficult For me…?
What? So hard what? Why was it so difficult for me…? What?
“Yes, I would have liked to say goodbye and thank you, not as we did, over the phone.” Avoided Me, I think I could not say goodbye face to face.
I was Still mired in my vagary and I didn’t understand where I wanted to go.
I’m going to call Him, I want to fix that.
— Now, if; Do you Have anything to object to?
“Why should I?” You’Re free to do what you want.
“It Is True, after all, I am one of its most maintained; I was living in your riding arena and I didn’t thank you enough, isn’t that what you think?
-I didn’t say that. “He Raised his eyebrows, showing his surprise.” I have Not wanted to say it Carmen, seriously you know me, I’m outlasted.
I woke up, it was personal and I thought I’d leave her alone. His hand kept me.
-No, stay, so you’ll understand everything a little better.
trembled. An uncontrollable tremor swept through my body; I could still leave. I Took a seat.
He Took the phone. As I was running the agenda barajé hundreds of options. What if his wife took the call? Or Recriminaba to invade her private world.
He Dialed, pressed hands free and placed the mobile in front of her. I was pretending to be a privileged witness to the conversation.
“Carmen, what a surprise!”
— Tomás Maybe it’s not good for you now.
“It’s great, wait a second.” Give me a minute. He said by taking the phone away.
There Was a murmur of ambient noise, a few seconds in which I assumed that he was moving away to get intimacy.
— I’m with you.
“Have I interrupted anything?”
“Don’t worry, as you’ll understand, you’re much more important.” And tell me, how are you?
“All right, how are you?”
— Now great after listening to your voice and knowing that you remember me.
— How to forget who picked me up from the street and gave me shelter.
I listened to her talking to her lover, so tender, so affectionate, with that sweet tone that she dedicates to me, but she has also dedicated to others; To Carlos, to Doménico. It Is suggestive, sensual, is a woman looking for the man who on the other side of the line is falling into his spell. I lost the thread of the conversation I only see those eyes that have already taken the depth of combat, that smile that seduces and is born to be talking to his lover.
“I’M in the Sierra with my husband.”
-How is it going?
He’S oblivious to me. He tells you, he brings you up to date with our progress. Yes, she’s really convinced that we’ve overtaken it and hearing this statement overwhelms me.
“You Don’t know how glad I am dear; You have spent an ordeal but I have always seen in you a fortress and a security that made me think that your marriage was not lost.
Thank you, you helped me too, those talks drinking coffee and Baileys…
“Yes, it is true!”
I Heard the youthful laughter full of nostalgia and I thought how many intimate moments were curdled in that house before succumbing to desire.
I Didn’t like the way we said good-bye. I Didn’t stay well, so friends don’t do it.
“I Was a coward, you have to forgive me, I didn’t feel able to stand in front of you and say goodbye, I didn’t want you to see me waver.”
“And now, do you see yourself able to have coffee with me?”
I drowned, for a second I lost my breath.
“Are you telling Me seriously?”
“What do you think?”
— If you want, of course you do. — Emotion crossed the distance.
-Look, I’m still free tomorrow, I have to do some work first thing, if you think when I finish I’ll call you.
Perfect. By the way, you didn’t take the kimono and some other stuff. If you want we can stay around and before you go up and pick them up.
Yes, there was a small indecision, maybe less than a couple of seconds.
— Don’t you know?
It Was the only time in all the conversation that looked at me.
He’s Lying, I know. That brief glance has betrayed her.
— A set of grey bra and panties.
As a flash I see myself again checking nervously in his drawers what he had taken. Missing among others The Grey Pearl set I gave him by kings and keeps like the others, made a ball in a single cup with the thong inside.
— we’ll see; The kimono… Yes, okay, I’ll take it. A gift is never rejected, plus it’s a souvenir of a few special days.
“Just a few days?”
— Well, and also a very special person, of course.
His Voice had become a caress, I do not think he was aware of it.
— What About the rest?
-The rest, you know that I left you a gift, for your fetish collection of memories of your friends.
“You have not been a friend, I think I made it very clear from the beginning.”
Because your janitor was not so clear and much less since I uploaded the bag of the expensive store of Serrano lingerie. That Day I stopped being Dr. Rojas and I went on to be one of your little whores. Every time I walked in or out I was naked with my eyes.
— We talked about That. What is the importance of what the janitor thinks? Do you Really care so much?
“Do You Want the truth?”
— Of course, you and I have always been sincere.
-The truth is that I felt more relaxed than having to pretend the role of Dr. Rojas living in Mr. Rivas’s stables, that was incredible. From that day all the rumors that must have been in the building were unveiled, I was but another of the lovers of Crapula, one more of the darlings you keep in your apartment.
— You Know I’ve never treated you like this.
“I know, Thomas, and I have not been treated that way, it is an irony only that; You know, the looks of the janitor, the neighbors… I had to take it. Anyway, I’m taking your time, we’ll talk about it; In some sense it even turned out to be funny.
I Lost the thread of what was already a farewell of friends with a touch of tenderness. I was hooked on what could be seen marked by the censorship of a janitor and a neighborhood that saw her as the whore of the neighbor who keeps a stable where they spend one after another girls staying days, weeks and to which it keeps with whims and luxuries And that replaces when you get tired of them, that has been the image that my wife has given for a few days. I Imagine Tomás ‘ fetish wardrobe, full of garments that belonged to these girls and where now appears the Gray Pearl set that a day of Kings gave him.
“Where Are you?”
Carmen took me out of my thoughts.
-Sorry, I was… Absent.
“I’M Going out, ten minutes,” I Needed to think, I stopped at the door. —; You didn’t tell me…
— That you met with your boss, supposed to join you. Is There a problem?
I Spoke to him, I suppose that my absence has lasted too long and has generated some change; We’ve been to the chair’s office.
I Tried To hide his concern and preferred not to delve into the matter. Before I went back to the living room, I found her lighting a cigarette.
“Is He a good lover?”
I Had decided to show him that he was wrong, he could talk about his adventures without disturbing me.
“Who, Andrés?” “That Gamberra smile would have lost me any other time.”
“Silly,” I just answered before I returned to the subject we were interested in — you know who I’m talking about.
— My landlord. “added with irony.” Yes, to have a principle of erectile dysfunction and poorly controlled diabetes yes, he’s an excellent lover.
He looked at Me for some hidden reason that would have motivated my interest.
Every time we made love he managed to pluck at least a couple of orgasms only with his hands and his lips before penetrating me; Then I cared little that it would run more or less soon, I was ready for a new orgasm when I ejaculated. But all that is not an excuse to hide his inability, is that he worries first of all to give me the maximum pleasure that is capable, without haste, with a serenity and an astonishing calm, improvising every time new things with his fingers, with his breath , with the tip of the tongue in places not to be obvious, making me wish that by God it came to me from a damn time to those areas that fluttered by themselves as if they had life of their own.
I listened to Her and could not imagine that a man like the one who had described me was capable of being so delicate. I Left the raincoat and sat next to him.
— Thomas arrived at the right time, when it was more necessary to find serenity. He welcomed Me and served me as a refuge, with him I could speak, to be honest, to download after such solitude; He’s a man who can listen. And when after making love he rested on his shoulder, stuck to his mature man’s body, I felt protected.
He was silent, took a puff while still looking at me.
“Have We sheathed the swords?” — I wanted to keep confiding to the friend.
— Of course.
I Don’t know if you’re going to understand me, I think you’re the only person in the world who can say something like that without being escandalice. Thomas has been like a paternal figure to me.
of Course, there’s nothing strange about it. Your age, your experience…
I stopped when He began to strongly deny.
“No, it is something deeper;” Is… In some way it’s like making love with… With a father; I don’t mean… Do not misunderstand me…
I Waited, I didn’t want to make a hypothesis from a single sentence. I waited, I waited.
And I waited, we kept looking at each other. But He added nothing else.
“What do you mean by that?”
— Don’t be frightened.
“I Don’t scare,” Who do you Take me for?
— You’re Getting upset.
Breath Hondo, maybe he was right. What I had just heard had triggered all the alarms.
Why didn’t I tell you?
My wife? My patient? The figure of the whore was Still too vivid.
That was the conflict in which this therapy was so complex.
-Let’s see, let’s restart, what do you mean?
“Of course, nothing that has made you so tense.
— You Can’t know…
-Ten minutes, we take ten minutes and we go back to this point. Proposed.
She Was Serene, much more serene than I Was, and that increased my malaise. Was it that I was unable to approach therapy as any of the many I had directed throughout my professional life?
Minutes later he went down the stairs with the leather cigarette case in his hand. He Didn’t look at me, went out into the kitchen and soon I saw her through the window. He stopped on the porch to shelter from the rain, his back prevented me from seeing her but the gestures were eloquent; Inclined rummaging in the cigarette-case soon after a dense column of smoke rose before it. He walked along the porch, then stopped to contemplate the flooded garden. Perhaps His apparent serenity concealed an uneasiness for which he had needed the support of marijuana. He walked away a few paces, gave a puff, looked far away. Then He rubbed his nose with the back of his hand.
— You’re scared.
“I was surprised.”
I Thought that with you I could be absolutely honest.
— And you can, of course you can.
“Are You sure?” I Have seen a tension that so far I have not observed and see that we have dealt with rough affairs.
“You caught Me by surprise.”
“You still have a harder place in the role of psychologist, You can’t get out of the role of the husband.”
“It Is true.” Come on, let’s go.
He Doubted my good intentions, it was evident that he did not trust my ability to get away from Mario’s husband but made an effort and continued.
— The figure of Thomas was becoming a confidant; As I said has that ability to listen that makes him the ideal partner to overturn the confidences. It Was easy for me to put my trust in it, was at that point where I needed a partner, the dual therapist Náufraga was exhausted, no longer gave more than Yes and the arena became a refuge more like the consultation he was needing. I Just needed someone silent to talk to, you know what that is and Thomas fulfilled his role perfectly,
He Lit another cigar, dedicated a couple of seconds to observing far away, lost in memories; Returned to the present and continued.
— Sometimes the papers were invested. His wife, his children absent, ungrateful, the guilt that would corrode him, grief. I played my role as a therapist and a friend. And so we forged a friendship that was consolidated on the basis of coffee, shots and shared loneliness, words of older man who has lived a lot, which allows you to give advice when you feel you can deliver.
The air that hinders him in the lungs, the look bright, too luminous, a long puff to the thin cigar and again that gesture that worries me: the way in which it slurps and crosses its nose with the back of the hand.
And when his sadness gave rise to my mercy and we fell in desire and came to sex I met a tender man who filled my need for peace, serenity, support, security. Had been shelter, my bra, had behaved as a friend, as an older brother, too old to be brother; It was, that if, as a paternal figure and when he made love to me in such a tender way, I felt something absolutely new, that I would never confess to anyone except you. It Was like overcoming barriers, get to the Acme, I do not know how to explain to you do not misunderstand me…
“Do it, I won’t judge you.”
— I Don’t know Mario; The figure you had of your wife has collapsed before you, if I keep talking, I might sink it completely.
I Felt a shiver, Carmen looked me in the eye and understood that she could no longer remain silent.
“You Know What I love my father, it’s the most important thing to me, I adore.”
— I know.
“I have Never crossed my mind…”
She Was frightened, as if the words she would not let out of her mouth were to lift a veil to discover a part of it that had been hidden so far, even for herself.
-I’ve Never, ever looked at my father in that regard.
“In what way?”
— You know…
“You Must say so.”
He Seemed older, that youth that adorns his face was gone.
-Sleeping with Tomás is like sleeping with my father.
Deep breath, expelled all the air from the lungs and looked at me
— Does it make you feel That bad?
He Stooped his head and began to vehemently deny.
-No, not Mario, No.
-What do you mean?
When He looked at me his eyes were wiped with tears.
-Every time we make love I feel so full, so happy, so relaxed, so protected, so…
He was looking for words that could express what he had felt in the arms of that older man who did the functions of father-lover.
“So little Girl…” He uttered with the voice taken by emotion.
-Do You feel guilty?
He looked at Me like I didn’t understand the question. He looked at Me like I didn’t understand anything.
No, Not at any time! He’s not my father, He’d never do anything like that.
-I know, honey, I know.
I approached and picked her up in my arms; We stayed like this, quietly.
“Tell Me One thing, if you don’t feel guilty why are you crying?”
— I Don’t know. Sometimes I feel… I don’t know…
-What do you feel?
-Things that come to mind ideas, images. They’Re so fleeting, I can’t catch them.
I said nothing more, I knew he was trying to put words to what he feels when he gives up that older man who incites him to think of his father.
-With Tomas I feel that I return to the origin; It’ll sound absurd.
We go Back home, Carmen has fallen asleep; We return in a single car by common agreement; We don’t mention it, but we both know he’s not in a position to drive. I Can’t undo the knot that grips my throat since I closed the session; I knew we should not continue even though we agreed to keep working. Then We talk about a lot of things.
Since My last explosion I had been turning to a question I asked myself and I was not able to raise the whole thing. Just to tell her that I did not consider her a whore I lost her nerves and recriminé her past again; When I reconsider I repented and proferíed: Why do I find it so difficult…? I was not able to know what was so difficult for me. As if it were some sort of koan I was trying to solve the enigma, meanwhile we began to prepare for the return with the agonizing feeling of not having solved anything. Suddenly I saw it as you see these things, as the inspiration arises to the musician, the writer, the mathematician against the formula that until that moment has refused to be seen.
“Can We sit down for a moment?” -We Were picking up, Carmen kept her clothes, I was coming back from throwing the trash.
Yes, of course. “He followed Me down, we sat on the couch, but I moved to the corner armchair; I needed to be able to look at her. She took my place, stuck to the little table.
“We’re going home soon.” I fear that once again I have let go of the opportunity to be honest, to open to you and also to listen to you without prejudice. We still have an hour or two left if you let me try. I’m asking you to listen to me, just that.
I Did Not apologize or excused myself for failing him; Nor did I promise not to fall back on the same mistakes. I told Him I thought I knew what Was happening to me: Fear Of change. I clung with fingernails and teeth to the world we left behind; I feared that world would disappear as soon as I recognized that I liked the way we were now, and if I did, I would have no place to hold. I Felt dizzy, a sort of emptiness before which I was unprotected, naked, weak.
“The reality is that I like you, I like you much more than the woman who has been left behind, and all the reproaches and insults that I have thrown you have been the product of the fear of letting go, I think. It makes Me crazy the woman in which you have become as much as it has cost me to recognize, as much as it costs me still adapt. The truth is that I am not afraid to lose you, I know very well what unites us; Everything that we have lived is there and will not disappear because you decide to maintain the relationship with Irene or because Doménico fills you in a way that only he gets, I do not think that will separate us; Your happiness has always been my goal as it is for you that I am happy, is something that you have been clear when you talked about Graciela and I could not understand, but I’ve seen.
I Took air, I needed to put order in my speech now that I had begun to speak; I was nervous and I didn’t try to hide it.
“On The other hand is my own process; It’s not just about adapting to you but about evolving. I Have the feeling that I was sometimes inducing your change and other spectators of your experiences although I didn’t always know how to take the place I owed. I Don’t have to be the one to mark the path, that stage has passed; I want to accompany you, I also want to see you fly free and feel clean of doubts and fears, as clean as I know you will be when I am the one who flies without fear of hurting you. It is Not an easy road, I still have more prejudices than I believed and have come to dominate to the point of putting us on the verge of failure. There Are many changes Carmen and I’m going to need your help.
I Didn’t let her talk, I needed to continue or I couldn’t say it another time.
— I’ve noticed that the people we want can suffer if we don’t go with care, our family in the first place. I Think of Graciela and I do not have the right to force her to choose a life in which I close options and that leads me to both she and Elvira are in my life in a very different way than you are, I have to let them go their way when they want and in The case of Graciela must know as soon as possible.
Breath In the end I had managed To build a somewhat run down speech in which I should have better nuanced the ideas but did not want to leave me anything I had prepared.
“Are you convinced of what you say?”
— I’ve Never been more sure. I have Also thought of Carlos, we hurt him, we did not know how to react in time and that was the reason why he stirred and wounded you in a way that still must be repenting.
“Do you think so?” Maybe Someday I’ll come to know. In any case you do not imagine what it means that you finally understood. You and I, Mario, you and me, how many times have you heard me say it? I Don’t know how long my relationship with Doménico will last, what I know is that he’ll pass and you and I are going to stay together. And Carlos, maybe I’ll come back to my life, or I may not be able to forgive myself in the end; Whatever happens, you and I will stay here. As for Irene, who knows if she can accept that you are above what I feel for her, I have my doubts; If you don’t get it it’s going to hurt, it’s going to hurt a lot but you’ll help me get through it.
“I Don’t know how I haven’t seen him before, how blind I’ve been.
Because Perhaps I have not been sufficiently clear, I may be too obsessed to confess and not realize that I did not leave room to explain the obvious.
“I should have known, I know you, I had to know that we won’t fail.”
-It Is time that will tell if we have achieved Mario, day by day. We are Not the ones we were a year ago or a couple of months ago and will reflect in the most everyday, it will not be easy to face the changes that we will live from now on, you know that, right?
We Spoke with sincerity, she confessed the fear that caused her to imagine scenes that I had not even raised; How I would live my absence when I went to spend some days with Graciela. I blushed as a teenager who has been surprised to commit a foul; You Have to go thinking about these things affection, he said, we will soon have to face it; You’Re Right, I answered, I have already lived the absence but you, how are you going to cope with me going with her or dedicating myself to Elvira? Entornó eyes and tried to smile; That weakness I did not expect and fit so much with my own weaknesses that moved me. He Reposed and unveiled what excited him to imagine me with them, with my wives, so I call them; That conversation joined us again as a couple, rescued Carlos, Irene, even newcomer Jorge. And I desvelé where it all began, on our fifth anniversary when I discovered that it drove me crazy to let others spy on their intimacy while I consented it; He remembered the night, the red suit and little else; I told him the details, my embarrassment to find a facet of myself that I did not know, that shamed me and at the same time excite me as few things did, I agreed heartily what I felt while danced and let those vultures hunt the flight my hands seizing his ass , looking for the birth of his breast near the armpit; You Were too bold if, I remember, he said; It Was The first time I felt the pleasure of showing you, of allowing others to enjoy your body, I answered; And that took you to Cordoba; I Did Not answer, it was a glance to confirm what I was thinking; And Now you know, right? What do you mean? Asked That you can’t do without that drug. I Felt a drowning in my chest; And you, could you live without expose yourself to those emotions? You Still have not understood, he said, I would be hard to live without feeling your presence while others…; Others, what? Make Me know desired;
Eureka! Something in me was revealed as if a curtain fell and let me understand what I had before my eyes all this time.
— We Were more united than ever when we prepared your delivery to Carlos, right?, and right here, when you were his, we felt so penetrated that he was about to discover us. “He Smiled at the nostalgia.” It was you and me, that’s right, you and me. I did not let myself be surprised by the obvious. I was so clear, at what point did I lose my course?—. Tell Me You didn’t feel me at your side for much of the encounter with Doménico. You don’t have to twist love again, you don’t have to.
What was he proposing? What was my plan for the future? We kissed, I would have wanted to say so many things… But the words would not have been able to fill all that I wanted to express; Gratitude, repentance, pride, Purpose, love.
“Where does this take us?”, he needed an answer; We Are What we are, he answered leaving open a door that I was not able to cross; We Have made mistakes, ventured, but also…; He Smiled and followed my phrase: We have Also enjoyed, haven’t we? Much, I said, of the mistakes you learn, don’t you think?; Sure, whisper, essay and error, you know. And we broke up laughing.
Wrapped in a hug, between short kisses we looked differently, we saw another way, she and I, face to face, again a team; The barriers had just fallen.
We Got naked in a hurry, and we made love on the couch; Yes, we made love interrogándonos about each other, wondering what we’d do. What does Graciela like? And Irene? Would You have liked to bring Jorge? And you? He’s going to call You, you know, right? Very sure you are; I know, I saw how he looked at you; You Don’t know how he looked at me; It made Me smile, when were you in the balls? In the balls! He exclaimed, since when did you talk like that? If, when we were in balls, you can not imagine how he looked at me; He’ll call You, he’s dying to fuck you, I insisted; Give Him time, mused rubbing on my thigh; Will you get It? I asked restlessly; Who do you think you’re talking To? He answered. And Sofia, are you going to see her again? Sofia What a woman!, I said to provoke her; winked eyes, his pelvis recovered energy; What’s it Like? A lioness, dominant, voluptuous… Good ass, good boobs; Pig, he threw me after slapping me; Didn’t you want to know what it’s like? Clamped fingers around my throat, Voluptuous?; Yes, a ripe one of overflowing meats; He crossed my face Again, his eyes shone and his vulva glided anxiously risking to lose what he trapped inside; You’Re a pig, are you talking about your wives? No, only that, I said feeling as it was contained to not tighten the loop that narrowed my neck; Why her? Because He treated me as if he were his gigolo; He shuddered without being able to contain a lament, stretched his neck backward, and collapsed as if he had been struck with a deadly blow; A gigolo, repeated, that you were?, said in the midst of a deep rattle; Yes, so I felt, as if I had bought it, I had never… For what he was going to follow, his eyes were closed, he began to tremble and went to another place far away;
Oh! Carmen you are magnificent; He missed a fresh laugh, Now I am magnificent?, before was the best, he said looking at me with that evil that baffles me; No, forget that; Why, you don’t like it anymore? He answered arching his back, took his hands to the neck holding his hair, his breasts challenged me, it was too much temptation, I could not shut up; But What a tramp you are! That dirty smile, that way of shaking your head… No, Golfa No, I’m a whore, the best.
Stay on me, rocking slowly without letting me out, his hands resting on my chest seem to lead the slow pace of the rider on the saddle; His waist cimbrea, his eyes twinkle keeping the embers of desire. We communicate, we know who we are, what we want, what we have left behind; She knows me, I know my tastes and my weaknesses; I know what she wants and how she wants it. We Accept Ourselves as we are. We’Ve sealed a new alliance.
We go Back home, Carmen has fallen asleep; We return in a single car by common agreement; We don’t mention it, but we both know he’s not in a position to drive. It Sounds melancholy Till Brönner at low volume and I realize that throughout the week there has been no music at home; I think this is the first time that’s happened to us. I Can’t undo the knot that grips my throat since I closed the session. I Knew we should not continue even though we agreed to keep working. If My patient wasn’t my wife, I’d be worried. My patient is Carmen, my wife, my friend, my girl. I’M scared.